JOKES AND FUNNY QUOTES

On this page , I want to share some funny story / jokes to all my blog visitor . Hope you enjoy when exploring my blog and this page will be updated from time to time . If you like this page , click "like" button on the top left of this page or vote it .

KIDS JOKES : (NEW)

1 : At home : 

Kid : father,I just say your face on tv!!
Father : Really , what channel?
Kid : Animal planet 
(Later on , there was a sound of belt whipped into the ass)

2.Classroom :
Teacher : Alright class,who can answer my question can go back home early
Kid : (throwing the eraser)
Teacher : (Mad Face) who threw this eraser to me!!
Kid : Me!!..I am..okay , class..goodbye..I am going home..:)

3.Near the postbox 
Kid : Dad ,what are you doing?
Dad : I want to send this letter to my friend (put the letter into postbox)
Kid : Dad,(confused) , why your friend is so idiot to live inside that postbox!!




WEIGHT LOSE JOKES : OVERWEIGHT BLONDE

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor`s advice and after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she`d indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question, "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?" 


POLICE JOKES : SPEED TRAP 

A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"


COMPUTER JOKES : LETTER TO TECH SUPPORT


Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, DrunkenBoys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,
Joe


ADULT JOKES :BEAUT CURE FOR HEADACHES 


Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"



LAWYERS JOKE : SANDWICHES

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.


CRIMINAL JOKES : CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."


SCHOOL JOKES : LESSON OF GOOD MANNERS

A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.
"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"
"I say 'excuse me'."
"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"
"Step on the other foot to get a second one."


CHEMISTRY JOKES : H2O (WATER FORMULA)

Teacher: "What is the formula for water?"
George: "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
Teacher: "Is that the formula I gave you?"
George: "Sure, you said H to O!"


EXPERIMENTAL JOKES : EVILS OF LIQUOR

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

  
GENERAL JOKES : EMERGENCY NUMBER

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."


EMAIL JOKES : HOW I WAS BORN


Little Johnny asks:
- Daddy, how was I born?
- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!


SEX JOKES : BLOW MY BRAINS OUT

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeeper approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son of a bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Jesus Christ! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blowjob or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"


BIBLE JOKES : IT'LL COST YOU AN ARM AND A LEG

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"


BLONDE JOKES : THREE DOCTORS

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


BUSINESS JOKES : DOCTOR AND THE PLUMBER


A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."


CHRISTIAN JOKES : FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".' The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".' The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence".' The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?' She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh, my God..."



CHURCH JOKES : THE BRIDE CHANGE HER MIND


Mrs Smoth and her little daughter Betty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After it was over, Betty said to her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"
"What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Well,"said Betty, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another."


COLLEGE JOKES : HOW MUCH FOR SEASON PASS


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"


COMPUTER SEX JOKES : YOUR PENIS IS TOO SHORT

I tried setting my hotmail password to penis. It said my password wasn't long enough.


CRIMINAL JOKES : CHARGED WITH BATTERY


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"


EMBARRASSING JOKES : BLONDE AT WALL MART


A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him... and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from... so he says... "Sorry... Do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the father... of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap...", he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No...", she replies, "I'm your son's teacher..."


FAMILY JOKES : MONSTER IN WARDROBE


A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."
"There's a what?"
"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy."


FISHING JOKES : FISHING IN THE JUNGLE


A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him.
"Have you had any bites?" asked the second man.
"Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."


GHOST JOKES : HOW TO SHOOT A GHOST


According to Psychic News, London, a French farmer has an unfortunate accident after watching a horror movie late at night. It seems that shortly after retiring, Michel Maumond, 40, reported seeing "a ghost in white at the foot of my bed." The frightened Maumond grabbed his gun and subsequently shot-off the toes of one of his feet.
Maumond has since determined that from now on he will stick to reading safe books at night.


MARRIAGE JOKES : HOW MUCH COST TO GET MARRIAGE


A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


POLICE JOKES : THE POLICE DIDN'T AGREE

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."


SCHOOL JOKES : HOME FROM SCHOOL

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?
TRAVEL JOKES : TWO MISSIONARIES IN AFRICA
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."


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